She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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