dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
