i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
