You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
