Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
