I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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