Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
