I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
