nut hugger
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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