What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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