I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
