Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
