Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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