I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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