How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
