i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
