I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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