you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
