The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
