You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
