I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
