Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
