I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize