I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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