Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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