My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
