So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
