why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
