3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
