Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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