1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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