To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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