someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
my liver is dry heaving
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
