also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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