her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
