I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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