just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
