Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
