Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
