I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
