The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
