I think I won the penis lottery.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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