How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My liver just broke up with me...
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
