What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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