My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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