i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
