Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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