So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
