You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
