just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I take back everything I said about communal showers
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
