new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
