im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize