i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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