U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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