Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just threw up on my dentist
zippers are such a cool invention
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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