keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
