I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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