If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
