i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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