I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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