I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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