I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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