He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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