It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
